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En nog eentje - 16 June 03 - 09:06

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Tips From Bartenders (for the next time you're out!)

A recent magazine survey, interviewed fifty bartenders and they were asked

if they could identify a customer's personality on what drinks they ordered.

Although interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The




Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.

Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool

Cocktails or Blender drinks with umbrella:

Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.

Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Mixed drinks - no umbrellas e.g.; Scotch and soda, Martinis etc:

Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants

Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.


Personality: Pretentious and is looking for a serious relationship.

Aproach: Don't

Wine - (bottled, not 4 litre cask):

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.

Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Bacardi Breezer, Mike's Hard or other Coolers

Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has

absolutely no clue.

Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... and you're in.

Shots and Slammers (Tequila, Vodka, Aftershock etc.):

Personality: Hangs around with male work pals or looking to get drunk...and


Approach: Easiest hit in the pub, Nothing to do but wait...

IF MEN DRINK... (As always, very simple and clear cut.)

Cder: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He's old; he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Guinness: The man is Irish and will get laid one way or another.

Water: He just threw up and is trying to wash the taste out of his mouth so

that he can still get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image

and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound would screw a warm scarf. Desperate

to get laid.

Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get laid.

Whisky: He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who

will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about

feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting


Rum or Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Mikes Hard Lemonade, Smirnoff Ice, OTHER COOLERS etc: H's

gay (blatantly)...say no more.

© 2006-2020 Paul-Robert Archibald