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Engineering and maintenance humor - 19 August 02 - 14:25

I just got an email from Maruchan, who send me this nice list of maintenance problems and solutions, very funny

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident!
 P = Problem logged by the pilot.
 S = Solution and action taken by the engineers.
  ========================================================
 P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
 S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
 P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
 S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
 P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid..
 S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
 P: Something loose in cockpit.
 S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 P: Dead bugs on windshield.
 S: Live bugs on backorder.

 P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 S: Evidence removed.
 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S: That's what they're there for!
 P: IFF inoperative.
 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode..

 P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
 S: Suspect you're right.

 P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 P: Aircraft handles funny.
 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up fly right, and be serious.
 P: Target radar hums.
 S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

 P: Mouse in cockpit.
 S: Cat installed.

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